MaiaLouise

Blog of a twenty-something organizer painter caterer.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Eugene/New York, OR/NY, United States

I am reading little bits of twenty different books at once, practicing yoga, meditation, Alexander Technique and learning how to cook Indian cuisine. I do my best at everything I spend time on, because each activity is its own work of art.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Hello! My Name Is . . . ? . . .

Wow, it seems like all I do lately is write letters to people. I lose track of time while I write and write and write.. this time, though, it wasn't for anyone who might read this blog.

*sigh*

It's time for me to tell people how I feel and WHAT I WANT... to be a happier person.
For example, he called again, like I thought he would. Even after I say what I want, he calls.
It is less cruel to leave people alone than to taunt them with something you're not willing to give them.

Things are just SO DEPRESSING lately. My room is a really nice place, so I lay on my bed and nap all afternoon, sometimes. Sleeping is preferable to being awake.

This summer is terrible. May June July... August. I am about to leave and I don't know if anyone has NOTICED. It will be nice, for sure, to suddenly be surrounded by tons of smart, artistic, intellectual people. I'll have discussions with them and hang out with them at night. I'll have a little room to decorate and organize, and a roomate to say hello to, and maybe circumstances will be better if I fall in love with anyone there. Love happens upon people all the time.. but it is circumstances that tear them apart. Circumstances often beyond my control.

I don't know what to do about Drew's circumstances anymore. Sometimes you just can't have what you want, no matter how badly you want it or how much you cry. I thought that if I could show him how sad I feel somehow things would change, but I'm reconciling around to the fact that they won't. I miss him so much that I ache..

*sigh*

The fact is, life will never be the same again. I love every memory I have. LOVE!
I love every car ride and every hug and every smile and every stupid dance I ever danced.
I used to describe what it felt like for me to listen to music.. crescendos and that trembling feeling when you feel a song is pulling at your heart. One particular night at the WOW hall every person was enraptured for a song and there is NO OTHER FEELING LIKE IT. It was then when I realized again how MUCH being alive feels.

Or when we were at Skinners listening to REM and I fell in love with that too.
Drew made me fall in love with being alive, when I had forgotten.

Do you remember that night we were at Grandma's House and had to listen to that really terrible goat-bearded man sing his songs early in the morning, and be enthusiastic to make him feel good? WOW, that was so uncomfortable. That was awesome.

Ugh, I don't want anybody else for a friend. But I can't have half a friend. I can't replace Drew with anyone else, that would be impossible. Circumstances!!

As I said, this summer is terrible. The best thing for me to do is to leave town. I'm FULL of regrets. I feel rather like becoming a travelling bard like Phil Elverum, to sing about my sadness but never stay anywhere for keeps. That way I would become less hurt. Every time you go outside you bump into people who could hurt you, but maybe migration is another alternative to staying indoors all the time out of timidity.

I want to relate my pathetic afternoon now. After napping, doing my best to cease existing, I went outside into my backyard. The sun was really bright, and I laid in my hammock, and I saw this red-orange butterfly. It made me think about "butterflies in one's tummy," and then the butterfly sort of blended into the bush it was perched in, and I admit I felt malicious and kind of wanted it to shrivel up in the sun and die.

It should have been cloudy today.

So I went back into my safe green box of a room and put Chutes Too Narrow on and pounded a pillow half to death during Fighting in a Sack. Knowing all the lyrics to this CD is always something I've wanted to do, but I still don't. I can't even find the packaging for it.

That's it. That's my afternoon. Sure there was other music too. It didn't matter. I really wasn't paying attention to it, I was doing my best to stop BEING.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

CRUNCH.

I just turned on my computer and checked my email.
Then there was a fizzing noise and a huge cloud of smoke surrounded the back of my desk.
Now my room smells like melted plastic.

Oh god, I hope all the JPEGs on my computer are safe.

It's like when Carrie Bradshaw's articles were scrambled because she forgot to back them up, 'cause she didn't know what a ZIP drive was. You know you're screwed when everything that happens in your life correlates with an episode of Sex and the City.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Look Like a Question No One Ever Asks..

Tonight's theme is Wilco's "Alone": the early version from the Yankee Hotel Foxtrot demos.

Shakin' sugar from a sugar spoon
Peppermint tea afternoon
Alone, alone, alone

Taking a shower take another nap
Watching television take a bath
Alone, alone, alone

Feel like a book, but I just cant start it
Feel like a lover, brokenhearted
Look in the mirror at the face in the glass
Look like a question no one ever asks

Alone
Like I'm supposed to be
Lone lonely alone
Like I'm supposed to be

Go for a walk, go for a drive
Listen to the stereo stay inside
Alone, alone, alone

Feel like a book, but I just cant start it
Feel like a lover, brokenhearted
Look in the mirror at the face in the glass
Look like a question no one ever asks

Alone
Like I'm supposed to be
Lone lonely alone
Like I'm supposed to be

Shakin' sugar from a tablespoon
bitter black coffee underneath the moon
Alone, alone, alone

Feel like a book with a big ghost heart
I didn't finish, I didn't start it
Look in the mirror at the face in the glass
Look like a question no one ever asks

Alone
Like I'm supposed to be
Lone lonely alone
Like I'm supposed to be


Peppermint tea.. I'm going to go make myself a smoothie.

4 of A Kind

Tonight I saw Kingdom of Heaven, starring Orlando Bloom, and he was suprisingly REALLY good in it. Thank god, I was losing faith in him, and I need to be SOMEWHAT justified in having a ginormous poster of him on my wall. Soo much gore in the movie. Rachel and I were cringing into each other every time someone's head was cut off, or partially severed . . . it varied from time to time.

Aah, the crusades.

Of course, Tricia was completely digging it. She loves war. She loves it when thousands of horses all swirl around in the huge dusty cauldron of the fight and you get that exhilirating feeling of the bigness of it all.

I consumed way too much green tea ice cream and now my tummy feels sloshy. Sorry, I'm not thinking of another adjective at the moment. And I found my electronic Yahtzee game yesterday, while digging through my stuff. Wow, what a time waster. I remember that I bought it after Bridget got one, because I used to borrow hers so often. It cost like $20 but I thought it was SO worth it at the time. Yahtzee sound effects will always remind me of Bridget.

Myspace is both a sweet tool (that on occasion makes me giddy), and the worst way to put yourself out there possible. I hate how ANYONE CAN FIND YOU. But as Carey says, "make them suffer!"

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Melodies

I think that Jamaican reggae-soul music is the christmas carol of the summer season. Think about it, they embrace "the almighty" while bongos play and you hear waterfalls and wind and stuff. It gives me a similar feeling to listening to "Noel" next to a lighted christmas tree, cozy and happy and reading a book. It's optimistic about happiness and goodness in people, I think.

I was listening to some in the car this morning, and the thought just creeped up on me.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

The monsoon has started!
Isn't there supposed to be a tsunami today???

Rawr I went to this weird party last night.
There was an awful lot of pot there.
I thought weed was powdered, not in kernels.
Oh, how naive I am.

I slept really really well over there though.
Listened to Belle and Sebastian and danced with my arch-nemesis.
Talked a lot, was sort of happy.
So I feel pretty good right now about doing SOMETHING, at least.

I saw the light outside at 8 AM this morning, and a bell rang inside my head telling me that it's summer.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

If Only things were that simple.

Not to be trivial, but.

I'm taking my food handler's test tomorrow.
I haven't studied yet.
I need to locate booklet about said test.

Oh, and other things are abysmal.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

it's afternoon?

I woke up at 4:30 this afternoon, after 12 hours of "sleeping" after the all night party. I didn't sleep very well, it was more akin to pretend-sleeping, since so much caffeine was keeping me awake. My mocha kicked in about 3:45 when we were all moving to leave.

Now I've left behind all these people I barely started to get to know!

Maybe people get more sentimental this time of year. Last night was full of hugs and chats, it makes me think about how I love SO many acquaintances.

Tonight is doomed to be depressing, I'm playing the Verve Pipe and the Go-Betweens on hard core repeat. I'd like to know if there is a reason why half of my best friends have decided to dislike me, because I don't try to hurt people. I'm trying to be myself, and protect myself, and only surround myself with people that treat me with kindness. But the people that I feel the strongest about are isolating themselves away from me in weirdness, and I just want to have everyone back. I'm so sorry, Carey, I wish you were able to call me up, which you don't seem to want to do. And everyone else. I am so in the dark right now. I am losing people that I love. It's lonely.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

rants in my pants

Ughf I am so very SICK right now and I miss bunches of people, and I got no sleep last night for good reason, but now I have obligations to meet people and get things signed and try to slide past south administration (is. psycho AV policies etc) so I can finally leave this school behind.

Hey you, call me! Actually I'm kinda losing my voice. My sister kept yelling across the house at me, she got really pissed off that we shared the car today, because we haven't been communicating too well about who needs what when.

I AM SO TIRED.

I'm going to fall asleep for a while, but I feel guilty because I'm blowing off Carina but I don't want to be doing so and I have no way of contacting her. Araarrghf?!

Friday, June 03, 2005

Hey look, I can't moonwalk!

I am going to a dance party.
I am late.
It is my dance party.
I am late to my own dance party.