Hello! My Name Is . . . ? . . .

Wow, it seems like all I do lately is write letters to people. I lose track of time while I write and write and write.. this time, though, it wasn't for anyone who might read this blog.

*sigh*

It's time for me to tell people how I feel and WHAT I WANT... to be a happier person.
For example, he called again, like I thought he would. Even after I say what I want, he calls.
It is less cruel to leave people alone than to taunt them with something you're not willing to give them.

Things are just SO DEPRESSING lately. My room is a really nice place, so I lay on my bed and nap all afternoon, sometimes. Sleeping is preferable to being awake.

This summer is terrible. May June July... August. I am about to leave and I don't know if anyone has NOTICED. It will be nice, for sure, to suddenly be surrounded by tons of smart, artistic, intellectual people. I'll have discussions with them and hang out with them at night. I'll have a little room to decorate and organize, and a roomate to say hello to, and maybe circumstances will be better if I fall in love with anyone there. Love happens upon people all the time.. but it is circumstances that tear them apart. Circumstances often beyond my control.

I don't know what to do about Drew's circumstances anymore. Sometimes you just can't have what you want, no matter how badly you want it or how much you cry. I thought that if I could show him how sad I feel somehow things would change, but I'm reconciling around to the fact that they won't. I miss him so much that I ache..

*sigh*

The fact is, life will never be the same again. I love every memory I have. LOVE!
I love every car ride and every hug and every smile and every stupid dance I ever danced.
I used to describe what it felt like for me to listen to music.. crescendos and that trembling feeling when you feel a song is pulling at your heart. One particular night at the WOW hall every person was enraptured for a song and there is NO OTHER FEELING LIKE IT. It was then when I realized again how MUCH being alive feels.

Or when we were at Skinners listening to REM and I fell in love with that too.
Drew made me fall in love with being alive, when I had forgotten.

Do you remember that night we were at Grandma's House and had to listen to that really terrible goat-bearded man sing his songs early in the morning, and be enthusiastic to make him feel good? WOW, that was so uncomfortable. That was awesome.

Ugh, I don't want anybody else for a friend. But I can't have half a friend. I can't replace Drew with anyone else, that would be impossible. Circumstances!!

As I said, this summer is terrible. The best thing for me to do is to leave town. I'm FULL of regrets. I feel rather like becoming a travelling bard like Phil Elverum, to sing about my sadness but never stay anywhere for keeps. That way I would become less hurt. Every time you go outside you bump into people who could hurt you, but maybe migration is another alternative to staying indoors all the time out of timidity.

I want to relate my pathetic afternoon now. After napping, doing my best to cease existing, I went outside into my backyard. The sun was really bright, and I laid in my hammock, and I saw this red-orange butterfly. It made me think about "butterflies in one's tummy," and then the butterfly sort of blended into the bush it was perched in, and I admit I felt malicious and kind of wanted it to shrivel up in the sun and die.

It should have been cloudy today.

So I went back into my safe green box of a room and put Chutes Too Narrow on and pounded a pillow half to death during Fighting in a Sack. Knowing all the lyrics to this CD is always something I've wanted to do, but I still don't. I can't even find the packaging for it.

That's it. That's my afternoon. Sure there was other music too. It didn't matter. I really wasn't paying attention to it, I was doing my best to stop BEING.