from December 2004
"My "love life" has had a really rough time this year. It makes me question how I feel about my own sexuality, my desires, my necessities, and most of my opinions have changed dramatically.
Adrienne Rich says that we need to "insist that work be as meaningful as love and friendship in our lives." When I first read this a few weeks ago I thought that she was crazy. I had always believed this. I knew that some people thought love and friendship were more important but I never had. School and 4-H was always more important than family holidays or school dances. When I was much younger drawing, dancing, and reading always came before playing barbies or going to birthday parties. I don't think it was something that I was told to do either. Mom at least showed me through example. She took me to work with her and let me live with my sister for a few months while she found a new job and a new house in a new state. Work was clearly necessary. Friendship and family less so. Very little time was spent amongst friends outside of school or child care. Relatives were seen if they came to visit me or on the more prominant holidays. Work on the other hand was a constant companion.
In high school I went through a period where I tried to make love and friendship more present in my daily life. I would try to go out to lunch every day. I would push for Friday and Saturday night activities. I considered a summer night a failure if I didn't spend at least an hour with 3 or more friends. My boyfriend became a constant presence. I saw him as another job, another responsibility. I wasn't just supportive I was actively pursuing solutions to his probems and strifes. Friends and love were treated like work. Though I loved my boyfriend and loved my friends they still came second and third to work.
All this past experience me has driven me to pursue a lifelong companion rather than a husband. I no longer desire a white knight or sex. I want someone who I can talk to. I want someone I can work with. Romantic love is fine and dandy, but it's impractical. This may seem cowardly or escapist. I seem to be avoiding the negatives of romantic love such as hard, time-consuming emotions and stresses. I recognize that being twitterpated is fun but beign genuinely interested in what someone has to say, using someone else's ideas to help change and improve my own, as well as arguing passionately is what I truely desire. I don't understand those who don't want these things.
I try to understand those who's personal quest is romantic love but it's very difficult for me. I don't understand why they would value that. I can accept that it's their choice. I'm not going to tell them not to feel that way but it's a struggle to keep from rolling my eyes at their proclamations of love. Emotional intimacy, though it sounds just as pretentious and ridiculous as romantic love, is more more important. Emotional intimacy resembles work. One has to work hard to discover another person's emotional topography as well as to create and express their own feelings. Emotional intimacy demands constant attention and many, many post-it notes.
And that's all I have to say about that."
-"Jenny"
Adrienne Rich says that we need to "insist that work be as meaningful as love and friendship in our lives." When I first read this a few weeks ago I thought that she was crazy. I had always believed this. I knew that some people thought love and friendship were more important but I never had. School and 4-H was always more important than family holidays or school dances. When I was much younger drawing, dancing, and reading always came before playing barbies or going to birthday parties. I don't think it was something that I was told to do either. Mom at least showed me through example. She took me to work with her and let me live with my sister for a few months while she found a new job and a new house in a new state. Work was clearly necessary. Friendship and family less so. Very little time was spent amongst friends outside of school or child care. Relatives were seen if they came to visit me or on the more prominant holidays. Work on the other hand was a constant companion.
In high school I went through a period where I tried to make love and friendship more present in my daily life. I would try to go out to lunch every day. I would push for Friday and Saturday night activities. I considered a summer night a failure if I didn't spend at least an hour with 3 or more friends. My boyfriend became a constant presence. I saw him as another job, another responsibility. I wasn't just supportive I was actively pursuing solutions to his probems and strifes. Friends and love were treated like work. Though I loved my boyfriend and loved my friends they still came second and third to work.
All this past experience me has driven me to pursue a lifelong companion rather than a husband. I no longer desire a white knight or sex. I want someone who I can talk to. I want someone I can work with. Romantic love is fine and dandy, but it's impractical. This may seem cowardly or escapist. I seem to be avoiding the negatives of romantic love such as hard, time-consuming emotions and stresses. I recognize that being twitterpated is fun but beign genuinely interested in what someone has to say, using someone else's ideas to help change and improve my own, as well as arguing passionately is what I truely desire. I don't understand those who don't want these things.
I try to understand those who's personal quest is romantic love but it's very difficult for me. I don't understand why they would value that. I can accept that it's their choice. I'm not going to tell them not to feel that way but it's a struggle to keep from rolling my eyes at their proclamations of love. Emotional intimacy, though it sounds just as pretentious and ridiculous as romantic love, is more more important. Emotional intimacy resembles work. One has to work hard to discover another person's emotional topography as well as to create and express their own feelings. Emotional intimacy demands constant attention and many, many post-it notes.
And that's all I have to say about that."
-"Jenny"
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