I worked in the studio tonight for a few short hours. It is difficult to let go of control when I feel like I have all my eggs in one basket. Most of the time I would rather cook eggs than paint, anyway. Elaborate toad-in-the-holes or soft-boiled majesties in egg cups with tiny golden spoons.
I wrote a paper today about the civil war in Sri Lanka and the merits (and weaknesses) of documentary filmmaking.
I ate a sauteed zucchini for dinner complimented with olive oil, garlic, and about two cups of organic short grained brown rice. Then I took my vitamins.
I made my bed, washed the dishes, but refused to do my laundry.
I talked with my boyfriend's sister (who is in town for a few days), drank coffee (something I rarely do) and was hyperaware of all the little differences in interactions someone can have when new forces are brought into play.
I sent emails to professors, musicians and cohorts to set up the month of December.
I cleared my crystal several times for several different reasons, and tried to intellectualize myself into relaxing, which didn't work.
I filled out bureaucratic forms and washed my water bottle.
I haven't completed the poetry or Trouillot as of yet, but I am trying to wake up earlier to read.
I have vivid dreams every night -- mostly nightmares about banking and driving. There is so much uncertainty about the future right now, and it's bugging me out. Yet there is so much planned control in my lifestyle. I feel both that whatever I do is never good enough, and that everyone else is having a harder time than me.. I oscillate between feeling that everyone around me is crazy, and that I am the only crazy one in a room of people who feel "normal."
Oh and I am broke! Eek!
I have been living in Manhattan working as a caterer for some weeks now. I can see the Brooklyn bridge out my window and there is a fantastic cheese shop down the block from my apartment. I don't really mind being poor... I eat pretty much the same, good foods every day, and I am happy that I have a safe place to sleep and a job.
